GUV - Government Ukase Vehicle

Ukase – [Russian] 1.  A proclamation of a czar having the force of law.  2.  An authoritative order

Officially, when the President of the United States is riding in it, it’s called “Cadillac One.”  The Secret Service calls it “The Beast.”  No, not the biblical beast!  The Presidential limousine and it’s reported to be the laughingstock of the diplomatic world.  Or at least it is now.

Cadillac One got stuck on a ramp as it was exiting the U.S. Embassy in Dublin, Ireland.   There are conflicting reports as to whether or not Obama was actually inside “The Beast” at the time. The Independent, a paper out of Ireland and the one you would expect to provide the most reliable information, reports that the president and first lady were indeed inside the limousine.

However, a report in Car Advice, which quotes Secret Service spokesman Robert Novy, claims that Obama and his wife were not in the impeded limo. However, other reports contend that the president and first lady had to get out of the limo and get into a second one to take them to their destination, a waiting helicopter that was to whisk them away to Obama’s ancestral home in the afternoon.   If you were in the crowd outside the U.S. embassy in Dublin yesterday, you would not have the escaped. The Secret Service drove a big van in front of the stuck limo so that they could get it moving again without the crowd seeing anything.

“The Beast” debuted in January 2009 as the president’s official ride.  This is a car that has everything and serves as a symbol of our bloated government.  The million-dollar plus GUV (Government Ukase Vehicle) has 8-inch armor, 5-inch thick glass and weighs 3 tons.  Fitted with every conceivable defense mechanism from bulletproof glass to tear gas canisters and shotguns, the car even carries a supply of the president’s blood in case he’s wounded and needs emergency treatment.

This ultimate Caddy has state-of-the-art technology, including a laptop, wireless internet, and a satellite phone.  The back windows do not roll down, although the driver’s window will open a crack if the driver needs to speak to someone outside.  In addition, the car has night-vision cameras and run-flat tires.  There’s an oxygen supply in the sealed environment in case of a chemical attack, an armored gas tank, and a reinforced chassis.  It even has a panic button (in case Obama needs to send the economy into an emergency).

Yet the car got hung up on a bump in the sidewalk.  Terrorists, take note.  Guess the engineers forgot to install hydraulic jacks into the chassis, front, rear, and center.  Because of its weight, the car can only do about 60 m.p.h.  The driver is specially trained in emergency maneuvers, however.  He must be pretty good to be able to execute a jackknife turn in a car that heavy.  Still, it must make for a smooth ride for a smoothie president.

The real laugh in the end, though, is the Secret Service’s name for the car – “The Beast.”  It’s truly a car of biblical proportions.  What an exact representative it is, also, of our Big Government.  Expensive, bloated, and slow.