How to Not Become President of the United States

If New Jersey Gov. Christie wanted a ride from Princeton to his son’s baseball game in Montvale, why didn’t he just hitch a ride with Gov. Palin?  She was going in that direction anyway, heading for a meeting with Donald Trump in Manhattan.  She could have dropped New Jersey’s first couple off – Montvale is fairly close to the GW.  It’s understandable why he would use a helicopter:  no matter where you are in New Jersey, Bergen County is a place you can’t get to from anywhere.

After the game, Christie headed back to Princeton for a meeting with a group of Republican donors who are anxious for him to run for President in 2012.  What must they have thought when our tough-guy, no-nonsense, fiscally responsible governor got off a state police helicopter which had ferried him to and from a high school baseball game?

Christie’s a smart guy.  He must be aware that other governors have misused state property and paid the price for it.  At least, they were doing it surreptitiously.  They got caught and were sent to political perdition for the infraction.  Christie did it boldly, with his spokesperson making lame excuses for his boss, landing right at the feet of the donors courting him for a presidential run.

‘Well, other governors have done it.’

The only conclusion anyone with an ounce of common sense can reach is that this guy doesn’t want to run for president.  After this, he may not be able to even if he wants to in the future.  So what are some other gaffes he can commit to convince them he’s not ready to be president?

He could:

·         Institute Christiecare in New Jersey; do for the Garden State what Mitt Romney did for Massachusetts.

·         He could be photographed shirtless.  Worked for Obama; not so much for Weinerschnitzel.

·         He could run off to a foreign country for liaison with a mistress

·         He could abuse his maid, maybe even foster a love child or two.  It’s the latest thing for ruining your career.

·         Stealing money from the public funds is a time-honored tradition of political career-scuttling.  Doesn’t work so well for Democrats.  The more they steal, the longer they seem to stay in office.

·         He could be photographed canoodling with Nancy Pelosi.  That would go over really well with the Conservative base.

·         Install windmill turbines off the Jersey coast.  No one can win the Presidential election if they lose their state.

·         Go to Iran and have lunch with Ahmadinejad.  Compare nuclear reactors.  Be sure to bow.  Maybe even kiss the Koran, just for good measure.

·         Go to Disneyworld during a state disaster.  No, wait; he already did that.  It was a brilliant, career-bashing move because the lieutenant-governor was out of the state also.

·         Make speeches about how America, and particularly its military, is only second-best.

·         Raise New Jersey’s debt ceiling.

·         Buy some helicopters for the particular use of the governor.  The president has over 400 vehicles listed as limousines.  If Christie wants to look “presidential” he’ll need a few more limousines and helicopters.

·         Gather up a harem, a la Charlie Sheen.  Use foul language, booze himself up and then go on a national tour with a bus wrapped with the message “I don’t want to be President of the United States!”

The field is awash with inept politicians (and celebrities) making fools of themselves.  They haven’t a prayer of being elected.  Neither will Christie, if he follows this plan.  Yesterday was a good first bad step.