Beige Malaise

Henry Ford used to have a saying: You could have a car in any color you wanted, as long as the color was black. These days, your bathroom can be any color you want, as long as the color is beige.

The current bathroom fashion rage is Ancient Egyptian, Greek, or Roman, with one standard color – sand or beige. There’s a whole range of marbled patterns thrown in with some rather ugly greens, and your basic, Henry Ford black.

You can get bright colors. But the tiles are an extremely fragile glass tile that has no place in a bathroom where bare feet are the fashion. Colored, ceramic or porcelain tiles are strictly out. Passe. Gone with the wind. Yesterday’s news. “Old School.”

America is supposed to the land of freedom of choice. But not, apparently, when it comes to bathroom tiles. If you want those easy-to-clean, brightly colored tiles of olde, you must make a special order and wait a full week for delivery. My plumber and the bathroom installer sent me ahead to Home Depot, Loews, and Wayne Tile to find my choice of color. However, all I found was a maze of beige. From one end of the aisle, that’s all each store had.

If I were the owner of a brand-new, Georgian McMansion, with money to burn in my fashionable fireplace, I’d be in Baby Boomer Heaven. Alas, I live in an apartment built in 1970 that was converted over to condominiums in 1980. The tiles are the original 1970, apartment building tiles. “Lemon Chiffon” is the technical term, although the color is a bit dusky for chiffon.

The previous decided they wanted to update the bathroom a bit, so it wouldn’t look so “Old School.” They installed one of those plastic shower wraparounds. But that was in 1984. Since then, the glue gave way and the shower started leaking down into my shared basement. I had to deal with the problem pronto, even though the temperature forecast for this evening is minus three degrees.

The plumbing fixtures are all fixed except for the shower. My bathtub drains again. However, the shower will not be operative until the tile is installed. There’s no actual faucet head yet for the tub, either; just an elbow pipe to keep the water from hitting the wall. In these conditions, I must perform my daily ablutions. With the temperature forecast so low, I plan to keep the heat on in my bathroom overnight so my pipes don’t freeze and burst.

All because colored, ceramic tiles are considered out-of-date. Otherwise, my bathroom would be finished by now, or well on its way. Didn’t I say this was the Age of Capricorn? Did I mention that Capricorn is the most boring sign of the Zodiac? Beige is their color. Totally devoid of creativity, interest, color. Capricorn is all about conformity.  Capricorn also rules rocks and stones.

My entire office building is beige. My mother visited it on Family Day, when the new building first opened. A former architectural news journalist, she was appalled at all the beige.

“How do you even know what floor you’re on?” she asked, rightly. Eight years later, employees still get confused about what floor they’re getting off on. New Money rules, though. You’re not supposed to be distracted by anything. You must focus on whatever task is at hand and not be beguiled by a colorful wall panel. We’re not even allowed to hang anything on our cubicle walls.

I believe in freedom, and even though I’ll freeze taking my bath tonight, by next week, I’ll at least have a colorful, sunny, porcelain/ceramic tiled, “Old School” shower.