Tea Party Conspiracy Theories

Wow.  Even Fox News is worried about the fringers who stand at the borders of the Tea Parties.

The top three conspiracy theorists Fox fears Tea Party foes will use against this grass roots movement are:

1. The Birthers, who don’t believe Obama was born in the United States

2. The Muslimists, who think Obama is a secret Muslim

3. The Socialists, that is, “fringers” who think Obama is a socialist

The best way Fox News could silence the Birthers is by publishing the truth, instead of shying away from it. The story is Hawaii destroyed all its original, long-form birth certificates in the 1960s and put them on microfilm. They now use an online, short form for certifying births.

However, the state will print out the microfilm, long-form version for earlier birthdates with permission from the individual in question, or a family representative, if they’re deceased.

Obama refuses to release permission, which is within his purview. In any case, his mother was born in the United States, so at least one of his parents was born a U.S. citizen.

Newspaper notices from that period in 1961 also published the birth. Finally, astrologers world-wide are convinced of the authenticity of his birth certificate. If astrologers are convinced, you can be sure the certificate is the real deal.

Astrologers don’t care about politics. They want to know the truth, the facts, the real date, not conspiracy theories.

Item Number Two: Obama is a secret Muslim. Well, he claims he’s a Christian. Many people claim they’re Christians. They don’t say whether they’re good Christians or bad Christians. Or secret Christians.

What’s really in his heart is a secret known only to Obama and God. We won’t know whether we’re really Christians until we get to the Pearly Gates. If our pass works, we'll know we were good Christians. If not…

Whether Obama will renounce Christianity in favor of Islam is the matter to be studied. We will only know that if and when it happens. Obviously, many fringers are betting their last wills and testaments that it will happen.

Finally, there’s that outrageous accusation that Obama is a secret socialist. What will the fringers think of next? How did the right wing wingnuts ever get that into their addled skulls?

Could it be the universal health care reform law that he just rammed through? The stimulus bill? Telling Joe the Plumber that he wanted to spread the wealth around.

Or is just the imaginings of iron-cross toting fringers?

Maybe they got the idea because of Obama’s heavy leaning towards labor unions. (Actually that would make him a meliorist – a radical theory that holds that industry and government should be run by labor unions).

Much is made over the labels of Liberal and Socialist, but they’re pretty much synonymous. Meliorist is one of those labels sandwiched in between Socialist and Marxist.

If you don’t believe Obama is a socialist – that just because he hung out with Stalinists and Leninists and Marxists – even though he admitted he went out of his way to be befriended by radicals – let’s go to the source: The Communist Manifesto.

Marx and Engels had the organizational foresight to provide a sort of “To-Do” list for their followers. They’re sometimes referred to as “The Ten Planks of Communism.”

Let’s see how we’re doing on the checklist.

1. Abolition of [private] property in land and application of all rents of land to public purposes.

Check!

2. A heavy progressive or graduated income tax.

Check!

3. Abolition of all right of inheritance.

Nearly checked off. The death tax is helping us along that route.

4. Confiscation of the property of all emigrants and rebels.

Wasn’t sure about this one until the government forced the Swiss banks to reveal U.S. holders of off-shore accounts.

5. Centralization of credit in the hands of the state, by means of a national bank with state capital and an exclusive monopoly.

Bingo! Obama’s claim to fame.

6. Centralization of the means of communication and transport in the hands of the state.

The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey. AMTRAK. Just to name a couple. And of course, Obama’s wealthiest supporters sit on the boards of directors of the nation’s major liberal newspapers and media outlets. Net Neutrality is also on its way.

Check, check, check!

7. Extension of factories and instruments of production owned by the state; the bringing into cultivation of wastelands, and the improvement of the soil generally in accordance with a common plan.

Can anyone say “GM – Government Motors”? By the way, that soil improvement deal didn’t work out too well for Communist China, did it? CHECK!

8. Equal liability of all to labor. Establishment of industrial armies, especially for agriculture.

Look for the union label and the union organizer who will put a stop sign through your windshield if you don’t sign up. Card CHECK!

9. Combination of agriculture with manufacturing industries; gradual abolition of the distinction between town and country, by a more equable distribution of the population over the country.

Thanks to the Liberals strong-arming the banks into making sub-prime loans, now your suburban neighborhood can look just like Camden, N.J. Thank you, Barney Frank. Check!

10. Free education for all children in public schools. Abolition of children’s factory labor in its present form. Combination of education with industrial production.

This almost sounds noble. But as always, you have to watch out for that word “free”. There’s always a catch and always a price to pay. When you combine education with industrial production, you get kids learning to pound nails instead of the books. They learn to read auto manuals instead of Shakespeare, and recite Communist propaganda instead of the Declaration of Independence.

Fox News, instead of cringing at home-made signs accusing Obama of being a socialist, ought to be cringing at the Tea Party leaders quaking at the signs. They should also be more amazed at the critics who are complaining about such “accusations” of socialism.

Methinks the critics doth protest too much.