The 20 Percenters

The 20 Percenters.  They’re that portion of the registered, voting-age population fashioned out of a mixture of cranky libertarians, old codgers, stupid kids, infatuated schoolgirls, addled housewives, gamblers, liars, and speed voters who wind up casting the deciding vote in every election.

The Democrats never worry much about playing to the middle.  They’re the Pied Pipers playing a misleading tune of hope and change for this bunch.  The new GOP figures if you can’t beat ‘em, beat up your own base and then join ‘em.

Mitt Romney won big in the Florida primary yesterday, gathering up all the Sunshine State’s delegates.  At least you can say this about Romney – he’s more vigorous and youthful-looking than Bob Dole or John McCain, or for that matter the pudgy Newt Gingrich or the hoary Ron Paul.

Thanks to the GOP’s early backing of Romney, he can afford all the media time to promote himself, and that’s all it takes for a Speed Voter to decide:  about 30 seconds.  Tell me in two minutes why I should date you – er, vote for you.  Romney flashes a dazzling smile, utters some patriotic slogans, and the Speed Voter is all in for him.

The same for the stupid kids and infatuated schoolgirls.  Remember that scene from Back to the Future where Michael is back in the Fifties and he’s trying to get his teenaged mother and father together?  She follows him home to where he staying and boldly asks him to take her to the dance.  Anxiously, Michael Fox asks her, “Well, what about George McFly?”

She replies, “George McFly?  Oh – well, he’s kind of cute and all…” and goes on to say something about a girl wanting a man who can stand up for himself and protect the woman he loves.

Well, what about Rick Santorum?  Rick Santorum?  Oh - well, he’s kind of conservative and all, and he would stand up for himself and protect the country he loves.  But he’s penniless and he doesn’t make silly school girls go limp inside and see stars like the tony, well-bred Romney.  We won’t make a mountain out of his millions here.  He can't beat Obama, they claim.

Meanwhile, the cranks and codgers detest the impeccable Romney.  Santorum is too poor to be of much help, so they turn to the Man in the Moon himself, Newt Gingrich, to keep the door open for some other possibility.  Otherwise, the primary will be tied up in a nice, neat package as the moderate GOP always intended.

In a distant third are the young Conservative students lured by the elderly but savvy Ron Paul’s promises of legalizing marijuana and closing all our worldwide military bases.  The addled housewives, gamblers, and speed voters are just waiting for the dust to settle so they can vote for the anointed candidate when their primary turn comes and get it over with.

“So who are you going to vote for?” I asked Big Brother, the king of the political jellyfish.

“I’m going to vote for whoever is electable and can beat Obama!” he cried.

“And how do you know who that’s going to be?”

“It’s whoever the idiot students and starry-eyed schoolgirls vote for,” he answered.

Sigh!