Goosey Nite Politics

Two weeks to the Mid-Term elections. In thirteen days, we’ll see whether the Tea Party movement’s efforts were worth it. It’s also 9 days to Goosey Nite (Mischief Nite in normal places that are not New Jersey) and 10 days to Halloween.

What sage, what wit decided to place the elections so close to Halloween and Goosey Nite with its tricks-before-treating boondoggle? Things get pretty ugly in the two weeks before the elections. At the same time that little children are choosing their make-believe princess or hero costumes, older kids are picking out the scariest masks, and teens are stocking up on eggs, shaving cream, and toilet paper, the politicians, especially the Liberal candidates, are slinging the mud.

Well, at least the adult politicians promise you all sorts of treats, and then trick you. The teens smash your children’s pumpkins, ruin the paint on your car with eggs and shaving cream, and wax your windshield. Then their little brothers and sisters ring your doorbell the next day for the Halloween candy.

The candy is a relatively new innovation. It used to be the kids just played tricks. My mother remembers dressing up with her best friend in little witches costumes and ringing their neighbors’ doorbells. Then they’d run off and hide until the door was closed, then do a little witch’s dance on the front lawn.

The politicians ring your doorbell and promise all sorts of vague things. But they, too, for the most part, are wearing masks, particularly the career politicians. You really don’t know who they are or what they’re going to do.

The year 2006 was especially bad. A lot of devilish liberals and moderates were running around in Republican guise, ringing our doorbells and making promises. We thought they were Conservatives, but that was the trick. They were politicians for whom we’d never have voted had we known what they were.

Many Liberal voters also dressed in Republican clothing. They were “moderates,” they claimed, representing the more modern, more attuned, environmentally-conscious, socially inclusive, pro-immigration, ultra-charitable generation of the Republican Party.

Yeah, and I’m Molly Pitcher.

They agreed that they made too much money and that it should be taxed away from them. And us. We needed to be more socially diverse and inclusive. Their college professors told them so, so it must be true. It would be much easier to let the government control everything. Corporations are greedy. Money is the root of all evil. Humans are bad for the environment.

Politics is ugly. We need to agree on everything more. Since we’re the “evil, greedy Republicans” naturally, we’re the ones who must reach across the aisle to the Liberal (and every other sort of) Democrats. Let’s face it: we’re not hip. We’re not cool. We’re not young.

We’re not stupid. But yeah, we are older. And wiser. Not all of us drank the Kool-Aid. Or inhaled. We’re not into chanting mantras and bleating like sheep. Except my brothers, that is.

How can two grown men, six foot one and six foot four, respectively, have such spines of jelly? The one can do calculus in his head, but he can’t figure out that the country is going bankrupt, financially and morally. The other is tall and rugged, but he’s afraid the men in black would drag him away if he became involved politically. Well, he is pretty big looking. But our mother, when she was my age, was able to lift all six feet four of him off the floor right to the ceiling and put a choke-hold on him when he threatened her (he never did it again).

We aren’t going to get a second chance at this. You can’t just shrug your shoulders and say, “Well what can we do?” What we can do is demand better from our government. What we can do is hold our elected representatives responsible for how they perform. What we can do is read about who these characters are that we’re pressing the “vote” button for.

What we can do is stay informed on the issues and take the Media and our political adversaries to task when they get it wrong, when they lie, and when they try to destroy our country. We can wear tee shirts for the right candidates, put bumper stickers on our cars, and plant signs our lawns (if you have a lawn).

You can convince your friends to turn off the Liberal Media and ignore their websites. I change the channel every time I go to visit Mom. If you’re even braver, you can make phone calls for the Conservative candidates, mail literature, and tell your like-minded friends to stop sitting on their hands and get out and vote.

And if that doesn’t work, put the Mom-hold on the Liberal Liars, Moderate Morons, and Pandering Politicians who take our vote for granted. It may be Halloween, but they don’t scare us. Not anymore.